Those Jeans......

So I started eating grapefruit. And I also ate chips at work. And a candy bar. watched the carbs I was eating but didn't care much about the sugars anymore. I was just tired of dieting. I hated counting Calories. HATED IT. I hate reading labels. Why does being healthy have to be so damn hard!! So the other day (Aug 1st to be exact), it was my honeys and mine 2 year anniversary. We didn't celebrate. Well, because he ended up having to work until 10 pm. I had a very nice dinner made. I had the CHINA out. I even tried to put something sexy on. Then after trying on all of my lingerie and being totally disgusted with myself because ew, why would anyone be attracted to that...fat rolls and pudgy tummy. GOD I wish I could love myself. I wish I had the confidence that some of the bigger girls have. I wish I didn't give two shits what my body looked like. I seriously don't care what other people think, but I care what I think. And I judge myself so harshly that it weighs on how I think other people see me. So ya, no sexy. I ended up getting in my jammies and taking a shower cause I was getting tired. I ate. Alone. He came home and realized what I was doing and felt bad, but nothing can be done about work. God forbid you leave early to go have dinner with your girl even though your boss does. Sorry. That was sarcasm, yes. But he won't. He is a hard worker and will stay until every job is done and everything has to be done. HE goes above and beyond what he is expected to do. ALways. Enough about that. I am not bitter about it anymore. I have just come to the realization that the romance has fizzled some. HE does bring me flowers still and wine, which I love him for when he does that because it is always out of the blue. There just isn't as much sexy and romance as their used to be before I moved up here. We are that comfortable with each other. Which is good, so I cannot complain. So back to the grapefruit. I started eating grapefruit. A friend of mine who was almost up to 300 lbs went on the popular 'grapefruit' diet. She is a very THIN lady now. And muscular and amazing. She lost over 100 lbs. Anyhow, I started eating grapefruit. I said that what 3 times now? I don't like grapefruit. But I saw them at the farmers market and thought, hey, what the hell. I ate them. They weren't so bad after all. I also stuck to no white breads (including english muffins, ok I had a couple of those, no bagels, no toast, nada), no soda. No junk food. Well, you know how that goes. There are always cheat days. So in the first week to week and a half I lose 8 lbs. What?? That was crazy. Wow. Huh. Shit works. So I am close to where my first goal was set but I won't be happy now until I love another 8 now. ok I was 225. So the scale said 217. WOOP. My orginal goal was 10 lbs. Baby steps. down to 215. It has been 8 FUCKING months and I cant lose 10 damn lbs!!! WTF!!!! I have done the gym (ok just the bike cause of my arthritis in hips and knees, no not an excuse. I tried the rowing machine and the eliptical, both killed my knee). I have done the low fat. I have tried the low sugar. For gods sake just let me eat whatever I want. To be fair, me and the old man split a whole cheesecake the other day. THAT is how my diet works on the weekend. We like food. SO I want to get to 209. That will be under the 210 mark. Then next goal is 199, then 185. WHEW. Starting at 225 (got up to 230 once and just cried, heaviest I have ever been) First goal 215. I have not weighed myself in a few days so for all I know I could be back up to 220. Second goal 209 Third goal 199 Fourth goal 185 Final goal 175 I doubt I will ever see 175 lbs. I have not seen that since friggin high school. I still have so much fat. I am not sure where it all goes or comes from. And I am not sure if there are some girls out there who have fat and a system like I do - so one day I will have the hourglass waist with my flabby belly and big butt and thighs. THEY VERY NEXT DAY my stomach will be bloated like over 5 inches bigger! IN ONE DAY! I am so tired of it!! My ass and my thighs will be bigger one day. My love handles, my roll, it CHANGES from day to day! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE!!!! It drives me nuts! My whole post was to say, finally, that I pulled out a pair of brand new jeans that I could barely button and not breath or walk or move in...and I put them on. And I buttoned them, without sucking in. And I looked nice. Ok to be honest, they pushed my fat tummy right up over the jeans so I had a spare tire. But I cover it well. I am wearing my 'push the boobs together suck in the fat tummy' shirt. My old man notices. He doesn't care though. He loves all of me. All of my fat pounds. That is all for today. ~Feelin Fat and Sassy!!

Come on Winter

So I actually hate winter. I don't like being cold. I don't like shoveling, even though most of the time the boys do it, I hate it. I hate driving in it. I hate white knuckling the steering wheel because other drivers are stupid. I do love the beauty of it though. When it snows big soft fluffy flakes. I do love that. And I love that I can wear hoodies and cover up. A big girls real world problem - dressing in the summer. Where you want to cool so you are not sweating like a pig all of the time but you also want to be sexy. Damn near impossible for me in the summer to combine the two without my gut sticking out, my thunder thighs showing face or something just NOT looking right. So fall brings job to the fact that I can wear hoodies and not worry about showing skin, not worry about being sexy in skimpy clothes. Why don't guys worry about this stuff, or do they? I don't know, I have never heard a guy worry about the way they looked. I know they probably don't voice it and talk about it like us girls do. Anyhow, today is supposed to be a high of 81, not so bad. Sometimes the humidity is just dreadful though, even with the temp only at 80. I chose a loose fitting purple and white paisley top with loose fitting jeans. I look like a sac of potatoes - all baggy and stuff everywhere. I have decided I don't like this shirt or these jeans. I did lose 5 lbs this past week. Put 2 back on this weekend when me and honey went out to eat twice and I did NOT exercise at all. I did think about it, laying in bed. And yep, that is as far as it got. That is all for today. Tonight I am making the better half steak cause it is our 2 year anniversary. No clue what to get him. Not sure I have to get him anything but I would like to. Seeing Ugly this week - just not as much as last time.

What it's like being a curvy girl.....real life struggles

Ok folks, so I promised this one may have humor in it. I will try. So I am a curvy girl. I am 220-225 lbs and 5 ft 8. I hide it all VERY well. No one believes I weigh this much and everyone says you can't see it because I am tall. Well, I am also fat. Plain and simple. Here are my daily struggles. Can you see it? So I have a roll right over my C-section scar. No, it is not baby fat. My babies are 21 and 17. Not baby fat anymore people! I have so much scar tissue behind my scar, it will never lay flat unless I go get all the tissue cut. I did once when the babies were babies because it was cause me pain. Now it just causes my fat roll to hang over, like an apron. (term from one of my BFFs). So I have a very curvy waist, one point for the positive. My chest is a 40D (on one side) cause they are WAY lopsided. And maybe a 40C on the other side. My arms are fat, I call them batflaps. I have NO upper arm strength whatsoever. I am weak that way. I have a very squishy belly. And I have a spare tire around the area just above my hips. My lady parts are fat. Serious ladies, the skin where your hair down there grows, I say skin because i shave it of course, so that whole triangle area where you should have pubic hair - its fat. Its squishy. I am not sure how in the hell my old man find that attractive and I guess I really dont care about that but my point is, DO YOU KNOW HOW DAMN HARD IT IS TO SHAVE DOWN THERE!! So picture this, I am standing in the shower - my thighs more than tough, they fight each other for room. The only thigh gap I have is when I when one leg is up on the edge of the tub, pulling this skin up and that skin over, trying to get to my nether regions to shave, moving my fat squishy belly out of the way to get a razor down there. Ok whew! That was a chore! Do you think I got it all? OH HELL NO! A day later I will be sitting there wearing shorts and glance down and find a bunch of 1 inch long hairs poking out of my inner thigh area (in between the thigh and the hoo-ha) - that have been missed for the last 3 months. Grrrrr. So shaving is like a circus act. I am not at all flexible. Shaving is easiest for a chubby girl in the tub, when you can lay down and everything just falls to the sides and floats in the water. But you still can't see down between your legs for christs sake. Have any of you ladies ever had your old man shave you? Lay on the bed with a towel under you and let him shave you gently? OK it is erotica as hell for him and hallelujah it saves me a MONTH's work of gardening work down there!!! (after you get past the embarrassment of OMG I have hair on my ass? Yes girls, hair grows everywhere). Try it, love it. If he is willing. I have gotten so chubby that I see no reason in making my amazing boyfriend dig thru the flesh folds to find my lady bits and try to groom them. I will keep working at it until someday, but the miracle of will power and a way, I lose all of this weight. Need I explain shaving legs? Reread this paragraph, pretty similar. So shaving is work for a fat girl. Yes I call myself fat. My the charts in the medical profession, I am actually obese but you would never know it to look at me. Summer heat is also a big girls enemy. Here is why: Thigh chafing (this goes for big men too - all of us big thighed people chafe - try rubbing deodorant on your thighs, it works WONDERS and it is stolen celebrity secret) is one, sweating profusely from areas you really don't want people to know you are sweating at. Like peeling your undergarments off at the end of the day just because, ew. Boob sweat - under our boobs - yes, underboob sweat is a real thing, just like men sweat under your junk, so do we. Make up - forget it in the summer! This is very frustrating for me because I have rosacea as well. My face is always red and ruddy, most of the time so I wear special make up that does not make me break out or make the situation worse. Melts right off in the humidity. I am supposed to always wear sunscreen on my face if I am in the sun - melts right off under my make up. So Make up is another one. #3 - HAIR. Any woman/girl with medium or long or thick hair knows in the summer when humidity strikes, you may as well kiss your hair do good bye. Whatever you managed to get done in the morning to make it half way presentable, you should take a quick selfie and treasure it because once you step outside, it will melt and frizz. My hair is no exception. My hair is very fine and thin to begin with. My natural color is a very dark dishwater dull blonde. That is why I get it colored, I don't like my natural color. Period. So in between colors when my roots are showing and the humidity is high, it is like putting a vegas spotlight over my head going LOOK AT HOW TRASHY MY ROOTS LOOK EVERYONE! They just show up twice as bad because everything is sweaty or damn and it makes it worse. Ponytail? Forget it, my hair is only shoulder length or just past and what I call a pony tail on my head is a pathetic excuse for a hair stub. But today, I put it back because my hair is that white trash today. Fuck my hair today. I wanted to jump in the lake and just be able to have wet hair all day so no one can see how awful it is. I am dying for the humidity to end. So we have thigh chafing, make up melting, hair frizz, shaving, these are all real world struggles for big girls. One of my weaknesses is food. I am a foodie. I have had the good fortune of being a military brat and living all over Germany and England and visiting several countries in Europe. I. Love. Food. I try different restaurants all over the Marquette area because I like to blog about them and I like to try new places. I love food. Again. I love food. I LOVE Italian and pasta. I live with two guys, ages 42 and 16, both big meat and potato guys and they both LOVE my pasta dishes. They are not dieting with me and have no desire to eat salads and all kinds of healthy crap I make. SO I am on my own with my own will power there. Don't get me wrong, if I cook it, they will eat it. But only for so long. They like their pasties and Cudhigis just like the next Yooper. I love chocolate. I love sweets. I don't do a lot of junk food anymore. I used to years ago but not anymore. I used to eat candy like a fat kid eats cupcakes. Not anymore. But I snack when I get home. I am always hungry when I get home from work or at 3 pm in the afternoon. I just. Like. To. Eat. Food. I fail at all of my diets. I have spend WAY too much money buying into diet fads that either don't work or are just temporary and the ones that DO work, I cannot afford or even think about affording. My other half asked me once why women layer tank tops and shirts. Well, a lot do it for fashion. I wear my very slim, hugging tight cami tops under everything because it sucks my squishy ass belly in and hides it just a little. I turn around in the mirror and it is like my ass just joins the top of my thigh in one big happy reunion. I have gotten an ass-thigh. Or Thigh-ass? What do you even call that shit??? A nice butt is supposed to curve under at the cheeks and then the thigh starts and goes down. NOOOOO, with my jeans on, mind you, not naked, my ass and my thigh just look like they become one. That is what I see anyhow. And without the jeans on, i just shuddered. Big fleshy butt and thighs. How did I let this get this way. How did my body change this much over the last 2 years. I cannot comfortably fit into the jeans I wore two years ago this summer and it is SO depressing. Why can't we just let our boyfriends and husbands say honey you are getting a fat ass or damn baby what happened to you without being hurt and wanting to rip their head off? Seriously. Someone get me a Slim Fast. My breakfast today was a piece of String cheese and a cup of gas station purchased grapefruit cup. Which after I ate, saw it had 19g of sugar in it. I need to kickstart this weight loss now. I need to get 10 lbs off me like yesterday and I need it to happen. It would not matter if I had 10 people call me, text me, message me, Facebook me and say hey did you get to the gym today, what did you eat today, and tried holding me accountable. It would not work. I just don't want to do this alone and having online people to hold me accountable is not working for me. So I am going to try to stop at the farmers market today and buy some real grapefruit. I will be cutting them up ahead of time so I can take them to work without worrying about making a mess. I like my fruit and raw veggies. The problem I have with raw veggies where I live is that they do not last long AT ALL. I am a cucumber freak, love little pickles and just eating them raw. They last maybe a day or 2 in the fridge and I dont have time or patience to stop at the farmers market every morning. Maybe I should make time. GO every morning and just get what I am going to eat that day. Hmm. We will see. That also involves coming back out across a highway of traffic which is a pain in the ass. Ok that was my blurb for the day. I think I am done talking about being fat. I am making a pasta bake for the boys tonight and boiling some eggs for myself for work for the week. Eggs seem to work well in my diet. Here's to food - my evil nemesis. ~Seeing Ugly.

Seeing Ugly

I am not sure if I will ever share this with people I am close to. Maybe some day. I am almost 42 years old and I suffer from periods of self hatred. Not like I want to kill myself self hatred but the kind where you look in the mirror and you are absolutely disgusted with the way you look. A lot of people on Facebook tell me I am beautiful. My boyfriend tells me I am beautiful. I don't understand how. When I get dressed, all I see is disgust. I am almost 42. I weigh 220-225 pounds, depending on the day. I have been dieting on and off for 7 months. I have been going to the gym once or twice a week to strengthen my hips (I have bad arthritis) for months now. I lost 14 inches right off the bat. It didn't do anything, because it all came back. I don't lose pounds, I lose inches. How is that possible, yaya, it turns to muscle. Where? The fat on my body basically just redistributes itself. It reforms in another place. My waist will go skinny, my thighs will get fat. This weekend I got chewed up by mosquito. All on my ass cheeks and thighs - we were sitting by the camp fire and I was in shorts. So I am grabbing them and looking and itching. When did I get the fat pockets on the SIDE of my hips and thighs? When did those just magically appear? How did I not notice all of the bulging cellulite and dimples and stretch marks all over my thighs and ass? WHY in the world would anyone think that is ok or attractive? Because it is not. Ok so don't give me the bullshit - oh but you are beautiful on the inside. I know I am a nice person. I know I am generous and friendly and I get along with everyone. I have people tell me what an awesome person I am. How come I can't believe that? I am so unhappy in my own body it drives me nuts. I am begging, just BEGGING for summer to get over so I do not just sweat my make up off by standing in the humidity. My thighs sweat, my boobs sweat, i sweat where a lady should not be sweating y'all. So every woman (most of us) deal with weight issues and how we hate the way we look. Ok, do we all CRY about it? Because I cry. It causes me anxiety where I will get real quiet and the guys in my house (boyfriend and 16 year old stepson) will ask whats wrong and I say nothing I'm just tired. How will they understand, I'm fat. Nothing I'm just fat and I absolutely hate the way I look. Do compliments help? OMG 10000x yes they do. When he calls me beautiful it lights up my face. When he checks me out and says hey sexy or thinks something is hot, it lifts my spirits and my self confidence, self esteem. I already know he loves me. If he ever proposed I would fall over shocked because right now, why would anyone want to marry this? My other issue is my hair. I am already a woman so I deal with weight issues and hormone issues. Why in the hell would God curse me with shitty hair??? I spend $100 every other month getting my hair colored to make it stay nice. Last time I went with the 'rooty' look. Well, it looked good for a week. Now I don't have time do to shit with it and I don't have money to do anything with it for another 2 weeks. I LOVE my beautician she makes me feel beautiful every time I leave her chair...but it is only temporary. Ladies, if you can relate with this - I get ANXIETY when I have trashy hair. It is limp. It is brown and blonde and looks like complete shit. My friends came up from Wisconsin the other day and we sat around the fire and had a great time. They took a picture and posted it on Facebook and all I saw what how fat my arm looked, how disgusting my hair looked. How AWFUL I looked. It causes me such anxiety and I don't know how to deal with it or fix it. Dressing is another thing. I have a very professional title and am supposed to represent my company in a very professional way. I wear jeans. I dress VERY casual for my office. I should be dressing nice but nothing is fitting right anymore without my body parts that should not be bulging out, bulging out. It is frustrating getting dressed every day. This is a daily struggle for me. The guys just throw on jeans an tshirt and off they go. Why do women have it so difficult? One thing I hear constantly - SO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Get to the gym more and get your ass exercising. I AM TRYING PEOPLE. I cannot find the motivation anywhere to go kill myself at the gym. I have no faith in myself. No will power and I don't know where to find it. It is like I need someone to personally hold me accountable every single day. I can't do it on my own. But I am trying. I am too embarrassed to ask for help. That is all for my Monday blues. I hope there are women out there that relate to this. I promise my next post will have humor in it and it will not be so depressing and so oh poor me. The daily struggle is real. Have a beautiful day - ~Seeing Ugly.