Those Jeans......

So I started eating grapefruit. And I also ate chips at work. And a candy bar. watched the carbs I was eating but didn't care much about the sugars anymore. I was just tired of dieting. I hated counting Calories. HATED IT. I hate reading labels. Why does being healthy have to be so damn hard!! So the other day (Aug 1st to be exact), it was my honeys and mine 2 year anniversary. We didn't celebrate. Well, because he ended up having to work until 10 pm. I had a very nice dinner made. I had the CHINA out. I even tried to put something sexy on. Then after trying on all of my lingerie and being totally disgusted with myself because ew, why would anyone be attracted to that...fat rolls and pudgy tummy. GOD I wish I could love myself. I wish I had the confidence that some of the bigger girls have. I wish I didn't give two shits what my body looked like. I seriously don't care what other people think, but I care what I think. And I judge myself so harshly that it weighs on how I think other people see me. So ya, no sexy. I ended up getting in my jammies and taking a shower cause I was getting tired. I ate. Alone. He came home and realized what I was doing and felt bad, but nothing can be done about work. God forbid you leave early to go have dinner with your girl even though your boss does. Sorry. That was sarcasm, yes. But he won't. He is a hard worker and will stay until every job is done and everything has to be done. HE goes above and beyond what he is expected to do. ALways. Enough about that. I am not bitter about it anymore. I have just come to the realization that the romance has fizzled some. HE does bring me flowers still and wine, which I love him for when he does that because it is always out of the blue. There just isn't as much sexy and romance as their used to be before I moved up here. We are that comfortable with each other. Which is good, so I cannot complain. So back to the grapefruit. I started eating grapefruit. A friend of mine who was almost up to 300 lbs went on the popular 'grapefruit' diet. She is a very THIN lady now. And muscular and amazing. She lost over 100 lbs. Anyhow, I started eating grapefruit. I said that what 3 times now? I don't like grapefruit. But I saw them at the farmers market and thought, hey, what the hell. I ate them. They weren't so bad after all. I also stuck to no white breads (including english muffins, ok I had a couple of those, no bagels, no toast, nada), no soda. No junk food. Well, you know how that goes. There are always cheat days. So in the first week to week and a half I lose 8 lbs. What?? That was crazy. Wow. Huh. Shit works. So I am close to where my first goal was set but I won't be happy now until I love another 8 now. ok I was 225. So the scale said 217. WOOP. My orginal goal was 10 lbs. Baby steps. down to 215. It has been 8 FUCKING months and I cant lose 10 damn lbs!!! WTF!!!! I have done the gym (ok just the bike cause of my arthritis in hips and knees, no not an excuse. I tried the rowing machine and the eliptical, both killed my knee). I have done the low fat. I have tried the low sugar. For gods sake just let me eat whatever I want. To be fair, me and the old man split a whole cheesecake the other day. THAT is how my diet works on the weekend. We like food. SO I want to get to 209. That will be under the 210 mark. Then next goal is 199, then 185. WHEW. Starting at 225 (got up to 230 once and just cried, heaviest I have ever been) First goal 215. I have not weighed myself in a few days so for all I know I could be back up to 220. Second goal 209 Third goal 199 Fourth goal 185 Final goal 175 I doubt I will ever see 175 lbs. I have not seen that since friggin high school. I still have so much fat. I am not sure where it all goes or comes from. And I am not sure if there are some girls out there who have fat and a system like I do - so one day I will have the hourglass waist with my flabby belly and big butt and thighs. THEY VERY NEXT DAY my stomach will be bloated like over 5 inches bigger! IN ONE DAY! I am so tired of it!! My ass and my thighs will be bigger one day. My love handles, my roll, it CHANGES from day to day! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE!!!! It drives me nuts! My whole post was to say, finally, that I pulled out a pair of brand new jeans that I could barely button and not breath or walk or move in...and I put them on. And I buttoned them, without sucking in. And I looked nice. Ok to be honest, they pushed my fat tummy right up over the jeans so I had a spare tire. But I cover it well. I am wearing my 'push the boobs together suck in the fat tummy' shirt. My old man notices. He doesn't care though. He loves all of me. All of my fat pounds. That is all for today. ~Feelin Fat and Sassy!!