Seeing Ugly

I am not sure if I will ever share this with people I am close to. Maybe some day. I am almost 42 years old and I suffer from periods of self hatred. Not like I want to kill myself self hatred but the kind where you look in the mirror and you are absolutely disgusted with the way you look. A lot of people on Facebook tell me I am beautiful. My boyfriend tells me I am beautiful. I don't understand how. When I get dressed, all I see is disgust. I am almost 42. I weigh 220-225 pounds, depending on the day. I have been dieting on and off for 7 months. I have been going to the gym once or twice a week to strengthen my hips (I have bad arthritis) for months now. I lost 14 inches right off the bat. It didn't do anything, because it all came back. I don't lose pounds, I lose inches. How is that possible, yaya, it turns to muscle. Where? The fat on my body basically just redistributes itself. It reforms in another place. My waist will go skinny, my thighs will get fat. This weekend I got chewed up by mosquito. All on my ass cheeks and thighs - we were sitting by the camp fire and I was in shorts. So I am grabbing them and looking and itching. When did I get the fat pockets on the SIDE of my hips and thighs? When did those just magically appear? How did I not notice all of the bulging cellulite and dimples and stretch marks all over my thighs and ass? WHY in the world would anyone think that is ok or attractive? Because it is not. Ok so don't give me the bullshit - oh but you are beautiful on the inside. I know I am a nice person. I know I am generous and friendly and I get along with everyone. I have people tell me what an awesome person I am. How come I can't believe that? I am so unhappy in my own body it drives me nuts. I am begging, just BEGGING for summer to get over so I do not just sweat my make up off by standing in the humidity. My thighs sweat, my boobs sweat, i sweat where a lady should not be sweating y'all. So every woman (most of us) deal with weight issues and how we hate the way we look. Ok, do we all CRY about it? Because I cry. It causes me anxiety where I will get real quiet and the guys in my house (boyfriend and 16 year old stepson) will ask whats wrong and I say nothing I'm just tired. How will they understand, I'm fat. Nothing I'm just fat and I absolutely hate the way I look. Do compliments help? OMG 10000x yes they do. When he calls me beautiful it lights up my face. When he checks me out and says hey sexy or thinks something is hot, it lifts my spirits and my self confidence, self esteem. I already know he loves me. If he ever proposed I would fall over shocked because right now, why would anyone want to marry this? My other issue is my hair. I am already a woman so I deal with weight issues and hormone issues. Why in the hell would God curse me with shitty hair??? I spend $100 every other month getting my hair colored to make it stay nice. Last time I went with the 'rooty' look. Well, it looked good for a week. Now I don't have time do to shit with it and I don't have money to do anything with it for another 2 weeks. I LOVE my beautician she makes me feel beautiful every time I leave her chair...but it is only temporary. Ladies, if you can relate with this - I get ANXIETY when I have trashy hair. It is limp. It is brown and blonde and looks like complete shit. My friends came up from Wisconsin the other day and we sat around the fire and had a great time. They took a picture and posted it on Facebook and all I saw what how fat my arm looked, how disgusting my hair looked. How AWFUL I looked. It causes me such anxiety and I don't know how to deal with it or fix it. Dressing is another thing. I have a very professional title and am supposed to represent my company in a very professional way. I wear jeans. I dress VERY casual for my office. I should be dressing nice but nothing is fitting right anymore without my body parts that should not be bulging out, bulging out. It is frustrating getting dressed every day. This is a daily struggle for me. The guys just throw on jeans an tshirt and off they go. Why do women have it so difficult? One thing I hear constantly - SO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Get to the gym more and get your ass exercising. I AM TRYING PEOPLE. I cannot find the motivation anywhere to go kill myself at the gym. I have no faith in myself. No will power and I don't know where to find it. It is like I need someone to personally hold me accountable every single day. I can't do it on my own. But I am trying. I am too embarrassed to ask for help. That is all for my Monday blues. I hope there are women out there that relate to this. I promise my next post will have humor in it and it will not be so depressing and so oh poor me. The daily struggle is real. Have a beautiful day - ~Seeing Ugly.